Before thinking too much about the above image, allow me to explain both it’s backstory and the reason why I am the greatest person alive.

First, the backstory. I was at Sara’s apartment waiting for a Craigslist stranger to come by and buy her computer. Because apparently it’s a requirement that in order to buy something on Craigslist you have to be either a) foreign or b) insane (lest we forget the obvious c- all of the above), I was on boyfriend duty. That’s where you are there acting much more manly and generally un-murderable. Specifically, we were selling Sara’s computer, which I had recently set up with a clean, untouched version of Windows. This leads me into the second point from the prior paragraphy: Why I am the greatest person alive (repeated for emphasis).

I am the greatest person alive (again, emphasis) because I drew the above in Microsoft Paint. For context, that’s like driving a car with your feet. As to the reason for the penis? Really I drew it because I realized at some point during the drawing that, wow, this man is naked. And what do all naked men have? A penis. The only reason I kept it, however, was really to spite Sara.

Sara: “Wow, honey. I can’t believe you’re drawing that with Paint! You truly are the greatest person alive.”

[5 Minutes Later]

Sara: “Oh gross! Why did you draw that penis?”

Garrett: “Great, now I have to keep it.”